Her Ex Serial Dated Girls With Eating Disorders
and her fights with life
What?!
He cheated on me a couple of times, always with girls with eating disorders. He’d tell them, “I’m here for you, I’m listening.”
He told my friend he didn’t believe I have an eating disorder because I wasn’t “skinny enough.”
He wanted control. People with EDs have a tendency to lean in to that.
He blamed me for the relationship. I relapsed.
Relapsed?
Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, body dysmorphia, eating disorders; binging, purging, anorexia. Lost 10kg.
Because of mood, comparison, I ate less. Got hungry. Ate everything. Started running, puking. It’s not good for my system; I lose oxygen, energy. My friend passed away from it last year. Scientifically, puking doesn’t affect weight.
Is this habit learnt from social media?
In kindergarten, I ate a Goldfish biscuit. A girl in my clique told me, “Princess don’t eat like that.” She took one, bit a small piece off. “That’s how you do it.”
I was used to being small. Girls quoted my waist size. In Primary 5, I went to America, got fat. Ate less, ran a lot. My bones deteriorated. Developed arthritis.
Friends?
They asked about my mental health. I told them I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t think it was relatable. I wore baggy clothes to hide weight loss. They respected me, but it came up once in a while.
“Do you want to share food with me? I love ice cream, waffles.”
Are you fat?
I could’ve been skinnier; my boyfriend wouldn’t have cheated.
Why?
It means being put together, graceful, taking less space. A pristine person. Someone in control.
Treatment?
My friends were upset, family emotional.
Force-fed breakfast, and two full meals: rice, vegetable, meat, fruit. I’d to finish everything like a pill in 45 minutes. And “milkshakes,” Resource 2.0 and Ensure Plus.
It’s a psych ward. Art therapy, painted how I felt. Wasn’t allowed to keep sharp objects for long periods of time.
Was watched in the toilet all the time. Couldn’t smoke.
It’s not a resort. People screamed, tried to run, puked in their beds.
Are people with EDs the same?
We’re childish. It usually starts at a young age. It’s regressive. Linked to attention seeking, control. Some had to go through speech therapy, they speak like a baby.
Is this it?
It’s placid suffering. Relapses happen frequently. I’m more equipped, willing to fight.
Afterthoughts
It was tough listening back to our chat. She tried to keep it lighthearted; a transparent veil over a chronic predicament. When my idea of melodrama is someone else’s reality, I can only wish them the best. In the end, we are the sole purveyors of ourselves; we say we do things for others, but we do them for ourselves.
