A Scorpio Roasts Your Zodiac
I’m the Scorpio
I’m joking. Based on true stories.
Aries
Egotistical prick. Every choice you’ve made—play sports, raise your hand in class, help an old person cross the road—is an excuse to make others think you’re the most magnanimous, gracious motherfucker alive. You’re Prince Hans in Frozen, with one bottom line: positive social presence. You love hanging in big groups to make up for your lack of true personality; you’d choose Gryffindor because Harry Potter’s in Gryffindor. Reality check: you didn’t “give in” to be in second place; you were too busy caring about decorum, you missed the winning shot.
Taurus
Sometimes, you’re fat. That’s because you love hiding your problems, but everyone sees you festering with anxiety. It’s very unattractive when you show up to class sweaty, with the ends of yout hair stuck in your mouth. You’re a time-bomb, waiting to get into a fist fight when “triggered.” Guess what, everyone has problems too. Quit living out a melodrama.
Gemini
Worst sign ever. You’re fake, tacky, ridden with personal issues. It doesn’t matter—you might be a slut, have seriously huge jugs, or a personality tick—you’ve earned a Scarlett Letter that’s marked on you at all times. Your ubiquity on social media may suggest otherwise, but in real many people avoid hanging around you, like the plague. You’re insufferable, and extremely motivated to prove it. WHY?!
Cancer
Stop. Fucking. WHINING! The world does not revolve around you. Stop making everything about yourself. You’ll turn any frown upside down. You put out so much negative vibes, you’re the Debbie Downer of any social clique. There’s a reason why you’ve earned the name “cancer.” Even worse, your backward views on gender hold you back from making any personal progress. Too bad, no one will tell you how much they hate you; they already know you’re too in your head to care.
Leo
Next.
Virgo
There’s ice coursing through your veins. Your self-importance means you’ll outtalk anyone who threatens your “crown,” regardless of substance. When you’re single you love preaching independence, but that’s only to hide your lonely ass, over-drinking to mask your ugly cry-face at 2am in the morning. You’re superficial, your definition of success is looking really amazing. But good looks don’t last forever; you should fear you’re just buying time.
Libra
You’ll say yes to anything, you’re so stupid! It WOULDN’T be nice if the world was Cadbury, come on. Your favourite colour is white, you have a sweet tooth, stuffed toys excite you. Your fashion hero is Alexa Chung, your favourite musician is Meghan Trainor, and your biggest wish is to win a pageant. But of course you won’t read this as a roast; it’s the same theory that proposes: “people can’t smell themselves.”
Scorpio
😂
Sagittarius
You think you’re the belle of the ball, but really you’re the kid who peaked in school and now doesn’t have a clue how to deal with real life. You love surrounding yourself with loser-types to boost your self-esteem, without realising you’re really just one of them. You love bad trends: fidget spinners, slime, the KiKi challenge. That’s because you ARE a bad trend. One sagittarius pop singer springs to mind…
Capricorn
You revel in your “enigmatic” persona, but to others you’re just a prick. You particularly enjoy a striking style, like bright-coloured hair or iconically wide-framed shades, so striking you often come off as a fashion terrorist. Not smiling desexualises you, and most people are turned off even before knowing your true personality; which doesn’t really evolve from there, except that it’s harsher and more unforgiving. People love “hiding” behind you to fight their battles.
Aquarius
You’re irrelevant, and you know it. You make up for it by either: whoring out your social presence, or forcing yourself to STFU because you’re afraid you’ll out yourself if you tried. Your jokes aren’t funny, everyone isn’t dying to be your friend, your defining moments of success involve you being a “trend”—all eyeballs on you, soaking up your enthusiasm, before discarding your sad carcass and moving on with their lives.
Pisces
Your obsession with anime borderlines on sex criminal. You’re the friend who no one remembers if you actually showed up. You’re highly unreliable to turn up for meetings. Everyone “pities” that you’ve abandoned any iota of life purpose; you don’t brush your hair, there’s broccoli in your teeth, you’re wearing the same t-shirt as the day before. Your dumpster diving habit is not culture-shifting, it’s a buzzkill.
